After my last attempt at sleep I found myself seeing amazingly beatiful random geometric shapes when I closed my eyes (something between a hallucination, a dream, an optical effect and imagination). While enjoyable, this was distracting me from my goal of becoming unconscious. So I let my mind wander, hoping to just fade into a dream... Then I saw her. At first the image was blurry and faded quickly, but I pursued this phantom, wishing desperately to see her again. I "knew" that this was all in my mind, but I decided to run with it since this was a happier thought than what my reality of the day had been. Then I looked into her eyes and we began to embrace. Thoughts flickered and raced, lips touched, words were exchanged, tears flowed freely, but through it all I felt a warmth and a joy that had been missing for quite some time now. Jax's ghost had come back to me. Whether it was a wish, a drug-induced vision, reality, or a dream in very light sleep, I knew that I didn't want to let go of this. My life has crumbled and been agonizing in so many ways that I have often wondered how anyone could endure this life without going completely mad. Then it occurred to me that I've always thought that sometimes the best solution is to embrace madness while trying to avoid hurting anyone (self included). This leads me to the conclusion that perhaps what would make me happier is if I chose to see the ghost of Jax most of the time... So whether this means that we have beaten death with magic and love, or this is merely a passing dream, or perhaps an affectation - seeking attention and sympathy or even just an artistic expression, I chose to still be married to a ghost.
(this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep.... and even I am not sure where the storytelling and sarcasm end and the truth begins. Lunacy FTW!)
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Say "hi" for me next time you are together. I miss her muches.
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