Monday, September 28, 2009

Additional pain, etc.

On Saturday I went to a piercing studio with a friend who was getting a piercing.  Since I was already there and had some money with me I decided to be somewhat impulsive and go ahead with the next piercing I wanted too.  So I now have a barbell through my tongue (I'll try to take and post pictures soon).

The new piercing is still fairly painful, but it is getting better fairly quickly.  My broken foot is also doing much better now; I think it will be mostly healed in another week or two.  Sadly, I am still in enough pain overall that even on two Percocet I feel enough pain that it interferes with things.  Sometimes it gets hard for me to feel good about my body when it hurts so much of the time.

I still haven't had any luck trying to get a job that I can actually do again, however I did just hear about a new one to apply for earlier today, and I'm doing fairly well for the moment with the unemployment pay and food stamps.

I'm considering trying my hand at some actual writing projects of various sorts: essays, erotica, technical books (web programming and such), maybe a screenplay or two.  In theory at least I have some time on my hands now so I should be able to devote a good bit of time to making myself actually write, instead of just learning and contemplating all the time (and partying and working on productive things otherwise).  I've never thought my writing was very good, but I feel like I have things to say lately and I know that with practice and editing my writing can improve.  Hopefully it will improve enough that I'm satisfied with how things turn out and can feel like sharing my work.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Frogs, Kung Pao, Painkillers and Insomnia

Today started off with driving from Gresham to downtown Portland to pick up a printed prescription, so I could get decent painkillers.  Then I went out taking pictures of random stuff including tree frogs.  When we were done with photography for the day we ended up stopping at a chinese restaraunt  called "Lung Fung" in Scappose.  The food was pretty good, I'll probably go back if I'm ever hungry in the area of Scappose again.  Now I'm fighting with hives and general insomnia, wishing I could just sleep for a bit.

Not a bad day on the whole...  but I'm still feeling kinda alone most of the time, even when I'm surrounded by people.  The worst is when I'm trying to sleep; my thoughts keep turning to the past and what I've lost.  I was never good at sleeping alone - now I can barely manage to do it at all some nights.  At least tonight I have Percocet to help.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A quiet day at home

Today was fairly uneventful but pleasant.  I got to watch a couple of movies with a friend, installed guitar effects processing software on my laptop, and heard about a possible modeling gig.  On the other hand I'm still lonely, unemployed, in debt, in pain and my foot is still broken.  *sigh*

I should probably attempt sleep soon, I want to try to be a bit more productive tomorrow, now that I've had a day to lounge around recovering a bit.  I'm not sure what all I will be doing, but I know some friends wanted me to shoot some photos for them, and there is grocery shopping to do, and more moving (getting stuff from the garage at the old condo).  I should probably try to get more stuff in boxes sorted and put away, possibly spend some time practicing guitar, and definately call my former employers to update my insurance information so that we don't have to pay to insure someone who is no longer alive.  I still don't know how I ever found the time to work a full time job; I'm always either busy or in no shape to be doing anything...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And now for something completely different

On a brighter note than my previous rant, my 32nd birthday (yesterday) was actually really fun.  Thank you to all of you who helped to make it a day worth being here to enjoy =-)

Fear and Loathing

*apologies in advance if this post seems bitter and hostile, I'm just a bit stressed out still*

The last few days have made me much more keenly aware of certain things that separate me from other people.  Every sympathetic comment, every small consideration given to accomodate me in my injured state is like a tiny jab, a message saying "Fuck you - we don't get it".  This pain and difficulty is not actually any worse than the suffering I go through every day: every time I walk down a flight of stairs, when I go grocery shopping, when I perform on the weekends, when I go the the kitchen to get a glass of water - all the time.  Thinking that a broken foot matters means that you don't understand me at all.

It's hard for me to accept it when people tell me that something is impossible, or too difficult, or not worth the effort.  If I were to decide that as easily as everyone else does, I probably would have just layed down on the floor at about age 3 and never attempted to move again.

So if sometimes I seem a little unsympathetic when speaking in the abstract about things, or that I dream too big and set unrealistic goals - the reason is that I have to be this way just to be out of bed and talking to you, not that I don't care about other peoples problems or that I am out of touch with what is possible.

*end of rant*

Monday, September 14, 2009

My broken left foot.

This is the result of tripping over nothing at all on an empty stretch of floor in a dark theatre.  I fractured one or more bones in my foot, and now have a special boot and crutches - but I still finished the performance.  I also drove myself to the E.R. with the broken foot, in a manual transmission car.

Sunday, September 13, 2009 the beginning

On August 12th, 2009 the life I had chosen ended.  After a decade together, madly in love, I was unable to sleep and my wife died in her sleep.  I'm still waiting to hear from the medical examiner whether the 'official' cause of death is heart attack or accidental morphine overdose, but whatever the details, an important point to note is that she had been unsure of whether or not to continue living, due to her constantly worsening pain,  due to spinal arthritis, kidney stones, gall stones, lack of teeth, etc. and despite the tradgedy of  losing her, at least now she can finally be free of the agony of this life, instead forever dancing through dreams.

Today I am beginning this blog as part of my personal way of coping with this loss.  For many years I have put off and avoided expressing myself in most ways, particulary shunning writing for public consumption, largely due to fear of how people might react if I starting telling the truth in print - my life has never been something that might be described as normal or even acceptable by many people.

So now here I am, finally speaking my mind, and I can't help wondering if I should stop or keep pushing on and pouring out more of myself.  I think I ought to stop soon, in order to give this opening post some sort of conclusion, and hopefully suggesting some sort of direction and structure to this collection of musings.

I intend to post here daily, in order to force myself to form actual opinions and to share them, rather than quietly sitting off in a corner trying to avoid all potential conflict with anyone for any reason.  I think this will be theraputic for me but I'm really not sure what's in it for you.  Perhaps wisdom, probably madness, frequent danger and always nothing.  Boo!